Here are some things to avoid and some things to do when you have a custody/legal decision making/parenting time battle with the other parent of your children.
DON’T:
1. Send angry text messages or email to the other parent. Anything you write that is inappropriate or makes you look violent, threatening, reckless, etc. will hurt your case if the judge sees it and you can bet that the other parent will show it to the judge.
2. Post anything dumb on social media. The same goes for social media. Also, portraying a party lifestyle, or posting pictures of guns, or posting about the new person you are dating can also hurt your case. In fact, don’t use social media at all.
3. Say anything dumb. You never know if someone is recording what you are saying.
4. Do anything dumb. In my career, I have seen all kinds of dumb things that people get caught doing while they are fighting for their children. Don’t commit crimes, drive drunk, do drugs, disappear, hide the children, make death threats, or do anything else that will hurt your case if the judge finds out about it.
5. Call the other parent incessantly or in the middle of the night. Don’t make yourself look like a stalker, harasser, or abuser.
6. Put your children in the middle of the conflict with the other parent. This almost always backfires. More importantly, it is very bad for your children.
7. Allow the other parent to push you around. This doesn’t mean that you should act aggressively or be unreasonable. However, don’t move out of the house just because the other parent told you to move out. This makes the other parent the de facto primary residential parent. Don’t put up with the other parent withholding the children from you. If the other parent withholds the children and you file with the court right away, you will get to see your children sooner. If you put up with it for a long time, then you don’t look like your children are your priority when you do get around to filing with the court.
8. Be unreasonable. Three quarters of getting what you want in Family Court is being reasonable. Don’t withhold the children from the other parent unless you have a very good reason. Most often, a very good reason is drugs or severe abuse. Don’t take away the car that the other parent is driving or remove his or her insurance.
9. Wait. There is little advantage to filing first, but you should not put off filing with the court. The sooner the court establishes your rights the better. If the other parent is withholding the children or allowing very little contact with the children, the sooner yo file the sooner it will stop.
10. Give up. You have a long-term goal. It may seem like you are losing now, but you will not lose in the long run if you do the right things and don’t give up.
DO:
1. Assume the judge will see anything you write or post. Only write and post things that you will not be afraid to explain to the judge.
2. Assume the judge will hear anything you say. Only say things that you will not be afraid to explain to the judge.
3. Communicate in writing with the other parent as much as possible. People can lie about what you said, but they can’t lie about what you wrote.
4. Remain civil with the other parent. Not being civil hurts your case. Being civil helps your case. More importantly, this is what is best for your children.
5. Cooperate with the other parent to the extent possible. Show the judge that you are the reasonable, cooperative parent.
6. Focus on the best interest of your children, not on what is best for you or how mad you are at the other parent. This is the most important step in not screwing up your children during your legal dispute with the other parent. It will also help your case.
7. Send civil, detailed emails to the other parent regarding decisions that the two of you must make for your children. Show the judge that you can co-parent and make responsible decisions. If the other parent responds in kind, you have begun a good co-parenting relationship with the other parent, which is good for your children. If the other parent refuses to respond or responds inappropriately, you have created evidence favorable to your case.
8. File quickly. Waiting usually hurts you.
9. Hire an attorney. This may sound self-serving, but you don’t do this every day. An attorney does do this every day. An attorney knows the law, knows the judges, knows the procedure, knows the ins and outs of custody battles, knows what is persuasive, and can look at your case with an unemotional eye. Your children are worth it.
10. Try to settle. The two people in the whole world in the best position to make decisions in the best interest of your children are you and the other parent. If you and the other parent cannot make a decision on your own, a stranger who doesn’t know you, the other parent, or your children, but who happens to be a judge, will listen to two or three hours of evidence and make a decision for you. It might be a decision you hate.
